Writers block

"Writers block": noun
1. The inability to begin or continue work on a piece of writing; normally temporary. (Real definition)
2. A brick wall standing in the way of something good and worth climbing only able to be moved by a combination of God's will and man's. (My definition)

It has been quite some time since I clicked on my bookmarks and even ventured to blog. I should explain...

For a couple months, I have had nothing to say. My mama always said "if you have nothing nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all"...or something like that. Maybe my mother never even said that. It is a possibility that the maxim was never uttered by her, only drilled into my head by society. That's a good one, Society. Touche. Nevertheless, I didn't have anything to say. God was pretty silent.

That sucked.

I hate it when God says nothing. Wait, let me rephrase that. I hate when God says a lot, then follows it up with something like "Don't forget everything I've said thus far, P.S. I love you" and then shuts up. God loaded me up with a bunch of wonderful things he said to me into a boat, christened it with a bottle of champagne, said "bon voyage" and sent me on a wild adventure on my own across the ocean. Emphasis on the alone part.

Not only did I feel alone, but I had nothing to say about it. I felt like a Debbie Downer and didn't want anyone to have to go through what I was going through. I did reach a point however when I had something to say. In the depths of my being I wanted to write, to speak, to share. But I was afraid. It sounds dumb and irrational, but I was afraid to tell stories. I felt like so much time had passed. Is it worth it? What would people think? Did I lose my mojo? Do I really have something to say? Long story short, a lot of doubt.

And even when, God willing, I pushed through that, I still didn't write. I had become so used to being afraid of words. Lame sauce. I had become afraid to share.

There is no real ending to the story. I'm nervous writing right now. Perhaps that's the process...you get stuck, get used to being stuck, don't know how to live any other way, and then it takes a gale-force wind of God combined with your own will to push across the ocean, dock, and get yourself off the freaking boat and onto new land. Not to beat a dead horse of an analogy, but I feel like an explorer now. I'm in new uncharted territory of myself with an experience that has shaped me and made me new and different and I'm enjoying getting to know "me" in this new world. I'm excited. God moves and does and recreates in His time and His purpose. "Writers block" be darned. God is bigger than you. And I'm sticking with Him.