Honesty is the best policy

Fun fact: I almost electrocuted myself plugging in the power cord for my computer. There's nothing like a near death experience to put things into focus. Or a blur. I guess it depends on how close to death you get.

I'm gonna be really honest. I have had an AWFUL week. You know when you think everything has gone wrong and there's no way it could get any worse...and then it does? Yeah, it's been one of those. Maybe you can relate. I really hope you can't, but let's face it - it's a human thing and you probably do.

I've felt a lot like Job this week, like everything is being taken away from me. I hate looking at God as a punisher; a big bully stepping on the little ol' ant that is me. I really do. My heart hurts. Heartache, not chest pains or anything. It's broke. Toe up from the flo' up. I feel abandoned. I feel not cared for by God and others. I haven't felt alone like this in...ever. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am in the thick of it. I don't want to pray. (Now I know a few days ago, I wrote about desolation and the need to pray MORE...but I don't want to. Again, being honest.) I'm afraid. I'm mad. I'm anxious and nauseous. I'm flat out miserable to say the least. I sound like a Debbie Downer or a Complainer McComplainerson. And I am. I just want to wallow and be a baby and be angry. The funny thing is, I'm afraid to be honest with God about it.

Now normally, I am a huge proponent of honesty - in relationships, with God, with blog, you know the drill. My friend Zach told me awhile ago that prayer should be two things - honest and consistent. I'm so scared to be honest. Why the heck am I afraid of being honest with God? He already knows my heart. It sounds stupid, and it is. I know this because when I finally got the guts to be honest with God today, I saw how stupid it was.

I went to Adoration (which of all the places to pray is probably the best since I forced myself to be face-to-face with the One I needed to be honest with. I couldn't avoid Him...He was looking right at me. To ignore Him would just be awkward).

So there I sat before the Lord, staring at Him for a bit, almost like a Old West stand off...who's gonna shoot first? Well, I shot. Big time. I told God how angry I was and how I was sick of being patient and how I hated thinking of Him as a parent in a toy store. You remember being a kid and your parents would take you to ToysRUS or Walmart or whatever and you'd find that one toy you wanted most of all. You'd say "Daddy, please can I have it?" And Dad would say, "Yes, but not today. Wait for your birthday/Christmas/Batmitzpha/Easter/Saturday/[insert day here]." But as you kept walking through the store, you'd bug dad more and more, "please can I have it?" And your dad would say, "If you keep asking me for it, you're not gonna get it!" I hate thinking of God like the Dad who would dangle the toy. I'm afraid that if I'm REALLY honest with God, complain about wanting something that He said I can have, that He'll refuse to give it to me because I'm hassling Him so much.

As I said this to God, and wrote it in my journal for safe keeping, I felt dumb. I told God that I felt dumb. I told Him that I knew I knew better - that He isn't like that. I had to ask Him to help me see the Truth, the Truth He has spoken so clearly before, that because I'm in this crap-hole of desolation, I can't see very well anymore. I realized, looking at what I had "yelled" in my journal to the Lord, that all the things I want and am walking up and down the aisle, tugging at His pant-leg for, He wants to give me...but first from Him.

You see, I realized today, that I don't have Him first. Big surprise, that's usually the case. I hate always realizing that because it makes me go back to the toy store analogy and I think if I don't get the whole "put God first above all else" thing, my life will be a formless wasteland. Again, not totally true, but it's how I think sometimes. It's twisted and dumb, but it's my fallen heart. My broken heart.

I can't pick up the pieces and neither can anybody else. I wish that were the case. I can see myself. I can see other people. But I can't see God who wants to love me. It's hard, Him being so intangible with His omnipotence and all. I know that I need to want to need Him. That was prayer at the end. "I want to want You. I want to WANT to want you."

It's scary. I hate it. I'm still miserable even after being honest - there was no quick fix whatsoever. I feel anxious and unsure. I want to walk through the toy store with Jesus and know that I can tell Him anything and that He loves me and wants to give me every good gift. "All good giving and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no alteration or shadow caused by change." (James 1:17)

It's so hard to believe that sometimes, especially now; that I can be honest and hurting and that He doesn't stop loving - He loves all the more. (To be honest, I'm in tears writing all of this. Sidenote, crying by yourself is NOT fun.) Oh, how I don't want to be patient, how I want things NOW, and how I want God's word to be fulfilled in my heart and in my life so that I can be with Him (and want to want to be with Him) eternally.

My friend Josh told me today (and Rachel, too) that God takes you down into what seems like the abyss, to bring you back to Him. God uses the times when we feel like we have nothing so that we can see that He is everything. I tell people this all the time and, yet again, here I sit, prepared to feast on my own words, to chow them down and hopefully keep them down.

If you see me or talk to me, please remind me that His Word never returns void, no matter the circumstances. He is God and does what He says He will. I'll remind you of it too, it's just good to be reminded of that kind of thing. Let the Lord love you honestly...I'll be trying to do the same.