A little reading does a body good

The readings for today are kicking my butt. 

Have you ever known what you should be thinking or doing but there's something inside you that wants to revolt against that (even if it is good) just because you can revolt, throw a temper-tantrum, and be pissy? That's how I feel right about now.

I hope that I don't sound crazy, just human. So this morning, when I woke up, all I wanted to do was shut out people because I could. I wanted to be a rebel and turn away from people just so I could do it. No reason. Just being a pre-teen...even though I am far from it. I literally stood at the microwave and said outloud, "I don't trust you". I don't know who I was talking to...myself? Other people? God? Either way, I said it, and I wanted to be pissy and throw a fit. 

I sat down to write and I had nothing. I've been having nothing for a while. Just feeling empty, you know what I mean? 

So, I read the readings for today and lo and behold...a butt whooping. 

The Lord spoke to Ezekial, and told him that he breathes new life into our dry bones. (Read the reading...it's highly imaginative and descriptive.) The bones themselves told the Lord that “Our bones are dried up, our hope is lost, and we are cut off." Man, I felt like those bones. I feel dried up with no hope and cut off from everything. But then, God says that He will make the bones come back to life and come home to Israel. As much as I didn't want to hear it, God was telling me that HE IS IN CONTROL. He is the Hope of Israel and my Hope too, even when I don't want to see it and want nothing more than to sit in my dry bones in a grave and whine. He still is Hope. He is Love, and that doesn't change. 

The Psalm for today was pretty butt-kicking too. The refrain: "Give thanks to the Lord; his love is everlasting."

Boo-yah. I want to be a baby. I don't want to give thanks. I WANT to complain. I do complain, let's be honest. But the thing that gets me every single time is that "his love is everlasting". Ugh. It's true. Dangit! I may not feel it nor may I want to receive it, but it's freaking everlasting!!!!

The Gospel. Oh the Gospel. One of my favsies. The Great Commandment in Matthew:

“You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart,
with all your soul, and with all your mind.
This is the greatest and the first commandment.
The second is like it:
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments.”

FTL. For The Love. That Hope and that Love lies in Him. His Love is everlasting and it has the power to breathe new life. Into me...and you. Even when all I want to do is lie in my grave. 

I am uncomfortable with these readings. It's uncomfortable because I know I need to allow life to be breathed into me and to accept this unending Love and give it back. Ugh. It's good and painful all at the same time. Faith is complex like that...but oh so simple at the same time. 

Dear Church, thanks for organizing the readings for today through the Holy Spirit so that I can have my butt kicked. Love, Me.