"Beloved"

Today's big question:

How do you love Jesus and put Him first?

I read an entire book today in the Chapel. It's called "Life of the Beloved" by Nouwen. (If you are trying to answer the question above in your own life or are dealing at all with anything or you work are in the world but not "of" it, might I suggest it?) It's just about 150 pages, and yes I read the whole darn thing. I don't say it to boast about my reading skills or comprehension or what not. Okay, a little bit to brag, but not because I'm smart. Because I persevered through the frigid A/C that was blowing directly on me as I sat before my Lord. I'm learning a lot about perseverance lately, but more on that later.

So. "Life of the Beloved". It's great. The author (who's a priest) is explaining to his friend, (who is a secular Jew), about the spiritual life. The thing he says at the beginning of the book is that he wants his friend (Fred) to walk away knowing one word - "Beloved". He wants him to know that he is beloved.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I refused to read this book for about a year because the word "beloved" creeped me out. It makes me think of whisper-whiney women who tell you you're beautiful and loved and that it's all gonna be okay because they shared that nugget with you. There was a stigma attached to this word for me and I didn't like it. But I finally reached a point in my convos with Jesus and kind of hit a breaking point, or wall, or bottom, if you will. (And I will.) I told him "FINE! I'll read the dang book!" (I didn't say "dang" though.)

Today was the day I blew through the book.

It kicked my butt.

It's beautiful and simple and honest and easy to read (things I like in a book and things I hope to be).

He breaks it down - to be "Beloved" is to be taken, blessed, broken and given. (Eucharistic undertones, anyone?) We are all chosen and blessed by the One who loves us, and broken in some way, and are made to give our own blessedness to the world. Maybe this is sounding way too philosophical for you, but read the book, he's a much better writer than I.

I really got struck by "being loved" by God and the whole "brokenness" part. Not gonna lie to ya, I'm feeling really broken lately. It resonated with me like a gong in a quiet room...it just kept on ringing in the ears of my heart. As I sat before Jesus, He was pretty much yelling at me in this book, and I couldn't have been more pleased.

At the end of it all, I told Him that I wanted to make sure He was number one and that I loved Him most. He was pleased. I was antsy to get things a-movin'...as I usually am...and He said "it's not gonna happen all at once, it'll take time". As happy as I was to hear from the Big Guy, I was kind of pissed. I wanted it to happen right away. But, He was pleased that the desire was there.

I walked out of the Chapel and felt invigorated. I felt peace. I felt like I knew what to do, but at the same time had no clue whatsoever.

So I asked a couple of my friends the question: how do you love Jesus and put Him first? (The age old question.) I got the same answers. I got the things I knew. But there must be something else...

I don't quite know what that "something" is, and yet, I do. I know that it's a daily thing. A moment to moment thing. It's an abandonment issue, and not the kind that leaves you as an orphan on a doorstep. It's going to take trust. When you love someone, you want to trust them.

Inevitably, I will screw up. I always do. Heck, I probably am screwing up as I blog. But, it's about perseverance in love. So here we go Jesus, I'm gonna love and trust you in a new way...

"Through all your days, my son, keep the Lord in mind, and suppress every desire to sin or to break his commandments. Perform good works all the days of your life, and do not tread the paths of wrongdoing. For if you are steadfast in your service, your good works will bring success, not only to you, but also to all those who live uprightly." - Tobit 4:5-6

Tomorrow....a day of Tobit with special guest, Saint Raphael.