It's my party and I'll blog if I want to

It's my birthday.

I don't write this to elicit your "Happy Birthday" comments. I share this because...well, it's hard to grasp.

I turn, gulp, 26 today. At 10:52 am CST. I can't believe I'm, gulp, 26. I can't believe that my life is where it is right now. It's not what I thought. I feel more and more like Fiona (see previous post) right now. She was all alone in the tower for 23+ years and this Saturday night, the eve before my birth, I watched a CNN special on the Pope (not the best program) with my friend Stephen who graciously drove 45 minutes to keep me company. Let it be known, he receives the "Great Person of the Year Award" from me. (Thank you Stephen for hanging out. Made my night, even though we were semi-lame.)

I've said to a few of my friends that I don't want to turn 26. It seems so strange. I think the thing that makes it most strange is that I'm kind of alone. Not being in college, around so many of my friends, makes it not feel like my birthday. I'll admit it, I'm lonely. It makes me sad. I feel alone and don't like it.

Now I know that Jesus is always with me...no need to leave a comment with a cliche. But, nonetheless, I feel alone.

Tonight at Mass, I sat almost in tears the whole time - not because of any of the readings or the homily or whatnot, but because of what I brought to the Mass...my own loneliness. I came before Jesus tonight and was honest and real with Him. I love that about the Mass - being able to bring all I have (or don't have, in this case) to the altar...to bring it to Jesus, literally. So there I was, telling Jesus how lonely I felt, how I was sad, how my life was not what I thought it would be at this point, and how I didn't want to turn 26.

And you know what, He didn't say much. I didn't want a quick fix from Him. Usually, I do, honestly, because who wants to sit in muck? I wanted Him to give me the Grace to want Him, the Grace to know that He would be what could fill me.

It's a scary thing to ask for. I like life and it's weird to think that there's more, even though I feel it.

The other day, I was talking with a friend who, to me, appears to have it all. She is married and has a beautiful daughter. She has a wonderful marriage and loves her family and her job. But she shared that she doesn't have it all together. She longs for more....that "more" is God...and she realizes that even the most beautiful things of this world won't fulfill her...because we weren't made for this world. It blew my mind and took all of my self-control and muscles in my face NOT to sob right then and there.

She gave me hope for the struggle of our lives to put God first and at the center. She showed me in a couple brief moments that I am not alone and that the loneliness I feel and the struggle/hunger/desire I have is common between all people. Even though I may not be living the life I thought I would be at this juncture in my life, I have hope that rests in Love. I am still being formed...and always will be.

I'm thankful for the gift of life. My gift to you is the following precious little love song about Mario Kart. Yet another reason to celebrate life every day.